lifenotes
I don’t even know what I was going to write about. There’s just so much I could run with, but I feel like I’ve lost the thoughts, like tonight’s gusty winds carried them right out of town.
I think I call my parents less and less because the less I talk to them, the less I miss home. I don’t think anyone knows how much I miss home. Or how much I feel about anything, really.
I have been trying to get to know my coworkers lately- asking them about things they like, what their favorite movies are, what kind of music they like to listen to. I had a conversation with someone the other day who said that her favorite [fill in the blank] changes every day. Lots of people that I know are really passionate about the movies/music/books/tv shows that they like. They’re willing to go to the ends of the earth to prove that their taste is “right” and persuade you to feel the same way.
I used to be like that, and I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m not. I don’t really know what to say when people ask me what I like to do. What kind of music I like to listen to or what I like to read or what I like to watch.
I used to.
But then I realized that I think I stopped being so passionate about those things when I thought no one cared what I liked. I still kind of feel that way…I’m not passionate because no one would care if I was.
My friend Hanna recently interviewed me for a paper she’s working on for one of her classes. I was flattered and honored and every synonym in the book to be asked. She asked me “What defines you?” (and a few follow-up questions to clarify)
And I just wanted to cry. But of course I didn’t, and I never do because I can keep myself from that. (It’s a skill. Same thing with vomiting - I can prevent it like a boss.)
So - like a boss - I pulled it together, but it took a long silence for me to come up with something to say. Not that I lied - I just couldn’t think of anything that would really define me. I’m that boring, plain, blank.
I said that I hope what defines me is my faith. I so, so hope so. I want that to define my personality, my mind, my actions, my thoughts, my words, my entire being. But of course I will always fail at being perfect. There’s something devastating about realizing you have to live your life as a failure, knowing that all of your accomplishments have to be attributed to someone else. But something awesome in knowing that that someone else is so much bigger than you that He could accomplish everything you couldn’t. Perfectly.
I compare myself to other people endlessly. Like…ceaselessly. Like…all the freaking time. Especially to people that I admire - like…all of my friends.
So of course, every single day, I feel inadequate in some way. Body, mind, soul, etc.
I want to be everything but what I am…but I want to use what I am because God created me. I want to glorify, but I’m everything opposite of glorious.
I want to stop being so jealous of people in relationships. I want contentment for now. I want peace in my heart. But there’s always something to remind me…
I’m always the eager beaver when it comes to committing to things. I’d commit to a relationship like none other. I can’t wait to be married - the future doesn’t freak me out at all in that regard. So patience is a really damn hard lesson to learn.
I wonder if no one will ever love me - and I’ll never get married - and I’ll never have kids. Since those comprise my dream, I wouldn’t be surprised. Best laid plans and all that.
I’ve also been unable to stop thinking about missions work. I wouldn’t be good at anything, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. And I don’t know what that means. And I just sometimes wish that this was the Old Testament era, and God would call me to do something like he called Joseph, or Moses, or Noah.
I just can’t see myself in any kind of normal work setting. Even the job that I would love to have - copyeditor for a publishing company, working on novels - doesn’t sound right. I don’t want to sit still - literally or figuratively. I want to DO something. I want to move in the world, and I want something in the world to move because of something that I say or do. One little thing, one person, one life, or one little chain of events.
Soundtrack for tonight:
Holocene - Bon Iver
Ill with Want - The Avett Brothers
Sensible Heart - City and Colour
